Travis
December 3, 2004
Jamie (Me)
Wow, I can't believe it has been 10 years! Okay, Okay the 'blissful' might be a touch of an exaggeration. Our marriage seems so second nature right now, but I vividly remember those early years of chaos. We were young (17 and 19 to be exact), had no financial set-up, Travis was steadily working on his bachelor's degree, we both had full time jobs, and often had other family members living with us (yes us, the young newly weds)! True now with four boys from 9 years (well about to be 9 years old in a few days) to an almost 2 year old, things are seemingly chaotic at times. But those first few years were certainly the toughest. And I know we have many more years of unexpected journeys ahead of us. There has been many bumps and curves, but we have found a few things to keep us steady. I will first post about the 5 things we keep in our marriage and next will be the 5 things we keep out of our marriage.
5 things we Keep in our Marriage:
1.) Spouse's desires above your own. Yes it's true, first priority is God but your spouse comes second. If you come into a marriage with the mindset of, 'would this please my spouse?' you will truly be ahead of the game! Even now, as this is the busiest time of the year with my husband's job, if I have time I pick up slack on the house chores that he usually does. If he has to work at home I might take all kids to karate practice so he can work a little in silence. Or when he really desires something I try to find a way in the budget to see it gets done. As well, if he knows I really want new clothes or shoes he always says, 'get it'. He knows I know the budget and wouldn't ask for it if I knew we couldn't afford it. There might be other things we could buy with the money, but every once in awhile it's okay to splurge. It's also in all those little things we do everyday. Like when its the weekend and you both are working on your own little projects around the house, asking if he needs a drink when you go and get yourself one. When you get up to get yourself a late night snack, do you ask if they want anything (I'll admit I'm not the best at this)? Or do you make sure to spend reasonable amount of money for lunches so there is money in budget for you to pick up dinner one night to give her a break from cooking? Do you earnestly try to pick up your clothes and put them into the dirty clothes basket, instead of the floor, because you know it drives her crazy? Marriage is a work-in-progress relationship, but always putting your spouse above yourself will definitely keep it moving forward.
Philippians 2:3 (NKJV) 'Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.'
2.) Always forgive. Oh ... all the 'intense fellowship' (as we call them) we have had. How to properly load the dishwasher, what's included when you do the dishes, why we are always late (Jamie's Time, as he calls it), and on and on the list goes. We still might have a few of these 'intense fellowships,' luckily not as often. But I think it boils down to what is an acceptable standard, is this really worth the argument and forgiveness. I hate doing dishes! I hate even more having food left out, especially over night. So the agreement is he does dishes (loads however he wants as long as food is off when they are done, we do have a dishwasher), and if there are too many for one load he at least washes the dishes off for next load. Yes, there will be more important things to argue about. Like backing each other up when disciplining the kids. Again agree on terms, stand by them, and forgive each other of mistakes. We will all make them. That's another thing, admit you are not perfect ... you make mistakes too (this again is more my problem, I like to say it's a woman thing)! There will be even more pressing issues ... but still is it worth having a marriage in division? Who wants a marriage with constant discord? Right the wrong, forgive and move on.
Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV) 'And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.'
3.) Budget. Set a budget together. Know what your income is, what your bills are, and where any other money is going. We have made a spreadsheet, has everything on it! We have always paid bills first, set money aside for food and gas, and the rest is extra (of course we like to set aside for all those unexpected cost too, like new tires). If there is something we want that might be a big purchase we discuss it before buying. Maybe it's because we started with nothing, but we have always had one checking account. Sure there are some very valid reasons why not to ... but if this is a marriage you have got to trust and work together with your finances. I have always heard finances is one of the top reasons for divorce, and I believe it! If nothing else, it can be very stressful at times. Since we got a house, we have also made a list of projects around the house we want to do. We talk about it, set goals, and prioritize them by what needs to be done and what is more of a luxury.
Luke 14:28 (NKJV) 'For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it'
Hebrews 13:5a (NKJV) 'Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things you have.'
4.)Communicate. This will also make #3 a lot easier. Be direct, say what you mean. Not being direct only leads to frustration. I use to want him to 'know' what I wanted without me having to tell him. But I've come to realize that is just not realistic (at least with my spouse). True at times he does know, but being upfront with things makes it clear. Also talking about what each of you need out of the marriage is important too. I know Travis is not the best gift giver (and to be fair I am not always easy to please) so if I really want something I tell him exactly what I want. For example I gave him several options for mother's day gift that I would like (I got a kitchen aid), and I have to say he did great! Or for instance (we let the boys pick a small gift for each parent) I told him I would like the boys to get me new warm pajamas for Christmas one year, and he took them to the store and helped them pick out something he knew I would like (pj bottoms with pockets and they have a lot of green in it). Other times I might just tell him I am feeling lonely, and we need some 'us' time. So he might try to focus a little more on making sure we get some quality time in. He might tell me he feels not needed, or under appreciated. Knowing one of his love languages is words of affirmation, I might try to be more verbal about thanking him when he does something for us. I don't know when you might manage to fit communication in with your spouse, but we find ourselves talking late at night right before bed. Not always meaningful, but also the small things like; how was work, did you finish that project, how were the kids today, what are our plans this weekend, etc. ...
Matthew 5:47 (NKJV) 'But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
5.) Dating. Our date nights mainly consist of a movie rental and late night snack now, but we make the time! We are actually about to go on a double date night with friends to see a Christian comedian (Tim Hawkins, he is awesome!). We also enjoy outings with the family, every year we go look at Christmas lights. And this year being our 10 year anniversary I really want to go to Santa Land (near Tyler, Texas), it's a drive for us and a little pricey but knowing how much I enjoy this (as the rest of the family too) we are going this year! We enjoy our family (hint the four kids!) which also means we enjoy time together as a family. Yes, there should be some nice, quiet, without kids, dates too! But with kids our age, that is hard to manage. Why not make it a family outing? Keep the romance going! What ever that means to you (hint guys: this might not always be dinner), it could be little gifts like; flowers, chocolate, fruit basket, etc. Find out what romance means to each of you (and also just things you like to do) and make it happen!
Proverbs 5:18-19 (NKJV) 'Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breast satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.'
Part 2 will come soon!
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| 10 years later! |
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