10 Blissful Years of Marriage: Part 2

10 years ago ...

Some of these things we learned early on, and some did come later. Either way, by keeping these things in mind to avoid it has significantly helped us!

5 things we Keep Out of our Marriage:

1.) Playing with fire. Have you ever heard, 'don't play with fire, or you'll get burn'? You can't toy with temptation and not expect to get tempted. I don't think its too far fetch to imagine a spouse cheating when they are often going to bars, clubs, or hanging out a lot with the opposite sex. There have been times when one of us has hanged out with co-workers, or college friends, with out the other, but that is the exception not the rule. Girls (or guys) if you text your guy (or girl) BFF about stuff you won't reveal to your spouse, you are asking for trouble. Also we have made a point that if the other ask us to respectively un-friend or stop talking to someone, we do it! A 'friend' is not worth the fight. Which if you ask me there is just certain common rules you have to have when having friends that are the opposite sex. But that is strictly just me. I do think that whatever you and your spouse agree on for boundary lines with opposite sex friends, you should follow them respectively.

Matthew 26:41 (NKJV, as well as all the others) 'Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.'

(Here are some more verses that speak about this 1 Corinthians 6:18, and Proverbs 6:27-29)

2.) Bad advise. Everyone has advise; about parenthood, life, success, finance, marriage, career ... But as my father-in-law put it 'you don't take financial advise from someone who is going broke.' Seek older couples that seem to be happy (I say 'seem' because we all have flaws). Go to marriage conferences, read studies together, and pray together. But please don't listen to your co-worker about marriage when he is one wife two and seemingly unhappy with their marriage. Or take advise from your friend that seems to do nothing but complain about their spouse. Also guard your lips, don't speak ill of your spouse. At the bottom I'll list some books we have done and enjoyed.

Proverbs 19:20-21 'Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days. There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the Lord's counsel-- that will stand.'

3.) Culture views. Wow I could go on and on about this ... Lets just say that the world's view and God's view of marriage is strikingly different. The world says 'I love you, until xyz (may it be bankruptcy, adultery, slander, or just when until I get tired of you).' God looks at marriage like He looks at the church, how many times have we seen the church fail?! (Look at Ephesians 5:2-33) Don't get me wrong there are certain things that permit divorce in God's word. My point is now people take it for a salt of grain and throw it over their shoulder. Marriage takes effort people, a lot! The hope is at some point it gets easier. I think I'm getting a glimpse of that now, but I know the road ahead of us is long.

Romans 12:2 'And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed be the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.'

4.) Anger. Truly there is no room for anger or bitterness when trying to love someone. Holding that emotion against your spouse does not allow you to love them fully, and will eventually seep out into other aspects of your life. Bring up the past is another way of holding a grudge, and you can't move forward or grow when you keeping going back (to whatever you won't let go). If something is bothering you don't let it get to your boiling point. Talk about it, tell your spouse why it bothers you and work on an prevention measures if necessary.

Proverbs 15:1 'A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word turns up anger.'

5.) "It's all about Me' syndrome. You know the I have to have it my way, when I say, and how I like it type. Or the it's all about what I want to do. What I am interested in, does it please me, am I happy. When one of you (and sometimes we take turns!) have this mind set it can often leave the other spouse left out, alone, or even mad. There are times when one of us needs to escape or spends time on our self, that helps build up our self and/our marriage or just for plain sanity reasons! I often go shopping and run errands with all four kids (mind you I am with them pretty much all the time), and some times it is a huge relief to go grocery shopping by myself. A couple of months ago my husband went to a men's conference with his father and brother. We all have hobbies and interest, but be careful they don't take over all your time! Lets say you like to golf (mind you there is nothing wrong with golf) you go every Saturday to golf which takes at least 4 hours, this coming Saturday you miss your kids game because it was during your 'you' time. Are you then putting yourself over your family? Not to say missing one game of your child's sport activity is bad, but just be mindful of these things they have a way of consuming your time and effort.

Proverbs 16:18 'Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.'


Here are some books we have read and enjoyed over the years!
the BIBLE:
Adam and Eve, Genesis 2:21-25, 3:16-21
the Virtuous Wife, Proverbs 31:10-31
the book of Song of Solomon is a beautiful love letter
Marriage and Divorce, Mark 10:1-12
Principles of Marriage, 1 Corinthians 7:1-16
Love- the Greatest Gift, 1 Corinthians 13:1-13
Marriage- Christ and the Church, Ephesians 5:22-33
Christian Home, Colossians 3:18-25
Submission to Husbands and a Word to Husbands, 1 Peter 3:1-7
Law Concerning Divorce, Deuteronomy 24:1-5
 -There is so much wisdom from God's word, He is the great counsel 

'The Five Love Languages' by Gary Chapmen
'Love Dare' by Alex and Stephen Kendrick
'For Men Only' and 'For Women Only' by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
'Songs in the Key of Solomon' by Anita Renfroe
'Sexperiment: 7 Days to Lasting Intimacy with Your Spouse' by Ed and Lisa Young

Oh my, how our love has multiplied!

10 Blissful Years of Marriage, Part 1

 Travis

 December 3, 2004

                     

Jamie (Me)

Wow, I can't believe it has been 10 years! Okay, Okay the 'blissful' might be a touch of an exaggeration. Our marriage seems so second nature right now, but I vividly remember those early years of chaos. We were young (17 and 19 to be exact), had no financial set-up, Travis was steadily working on his bachelor's degree, we both had full time jobs, and often had other family members living with us (yes us, the young newly weds)! True now with four boys from 9 years (well about to be 9 years old in a few days) to an almost 2 year old, things are seemingly chaotic at times. But those first few years were certainly the toughest. And I know we have many more years of unexpected journeys ahead of us. There has been many bumps and curves, but we have found a few things to keep us steady. I will first post about the 5 things we keep in our marriage and next will be the 5 things we keep out of our marriage.

5 things we Keep in our Marriage:

1.) Spouse's desires above your own. Yes it's true, first priority is God but your spouse comes second. If you come into a marriage with the mindset of, 'would this please my spouse?' you will truly be ahead of the game! Even now, as this is the busiest time of the year with my husband's job, if I have time I pick up slack on the house chores that he usually does. If he has to work at home I might take all kids to karate practice so he can work a little in silence. Or when he really desires something I try to find a way in the budget to see it gets done. As well, if he knows I really want new clothes or shoes he always says, 'get it'. He knows I know the budget and wouldn't ask for it if I knew we couldn't afford it. There might be other things we could buy with the money, but every once in awhile it's okay to splurge. It's also in all those little things we do everyday. Like when its the weekend and you both are working on your own little projects around the house, asking if he needs a drink when you go and get yourself one. When you get up to get yourself a late night snack, do you ask if they want anything (I'll admit I'm not the best at this)? Or do you make sure to spend reasonable amount of money for lunches so there is money in budget for you to pick up dinner one night to give her a break from cooking? Do you earnestly try to pick up your clothes and put them into the dirty clothes basket, instead of the floor, because you know it drives her crazy? Marriage is a work-in-progress relationship, but always putting your spouse above yourself will definitely keep it moving forward.

Philippians 2:3 (NKJV) 'Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.'

2.) Always forgive. Oh ... all the 'intense fellowship' (as we call them) we have had. How to properly load the dishwasher, what's included when you do the dishes, why we are always late (Jamie's Time, as he calls it), and on and on the list goes. We still might have a few of these 'intense fellowships,' luckily not as often. But I think it boils down to what is an acceptable standard, is this really worth the argument and forgiveness. I hate doing dishes! I hate even more having food left out, especially over night. So the agreement is he does dishes (loads however he wants as long as food is off when they are done, we do have a dishwasher), and if there are too many for one load he at least washes the dishes off for next load. Yes, there will be more important things to argue about. Like backing each other up when disciplining the kids. Again agree on terms, stand by them, and forgive each other of mistakes. We will all make them. That's another thing, admit you are not perfect ... you make mistakes too (this again is more my problem, I like to say it's a woman thing)! There will be even more pressing issues ... but still is it worth having a marriage in division? Who wants a marriage with constant discord? Right the wrong, forgive and move on. 

Ephesians 4:32 (NKJV) 'And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.'

3.) Budget. Set a budget together. Know what your income is, what your bills are, and where any other money is going. We have made a spreadsheet, has everything on it! We have always paid bills first, set money aside for food and gas, and the rest is extra (of course we like to set aside for all those unexpected cost too, like new tires). If there is something we want that might be a big purchase we discuss it before buying. Maybe it's because we started with nothing, but we have always had one checking account. Sure there are some very valid reasons why not to ... but if this is a marriage you have got to trust and work together with your finances. I have always heard finances is one of the top reasons for divorce, and I believe it! If nothing else, it can be very stressful at times. Since we got a house, we have also made a list of projects around the house we want to do. We talk about it, set goals, and prioritize them by what needs to be done and what is more of a luxury.

Luke 14:28 (NKJV) 'For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it'

Hebrews 13:5a (NKJV) 'Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things you have.'

4.)Communicate. This will also make #3 a lot easier. Be direct, say what you mean. Not being direct only leads to frustration. I use to want him to 'know' what I wanted without me having to tell him. But I've come to realize that is just not realistic (at least with my spouse). True at times he does know, but being upfront with things makes it clear. Also talking about what each of you need out of the marriage is important too. I know Travis is not the best gift giver (and to be fair I am not always easy to please) so if I really want something I tell him exactly what I want. For example I gave him several options for mother's day gift that I would like (I got a kitchen aid), and I have to say he did great! Or for instance (we let the boys pick a small gift for each parent) I told him I would like the boys to get me new warm pajamas for Christmas one year, and he took them to the store and helped them pick out something he knew I would like (pj bottoms with pockets and they have a lot of green in it). Other times I might just tell him I am feeling lonely, and we need some 'us' time. So he might try to focus a little more on making sure we get some quality time in. He might tell me he feels not needed, or under appreciated. Knowing one of his love languages is words of affirmation, I might try to be more verbal about thanking him when he does something for us. I don't know when you might manage to fit communication in with your spouse, but we find ourselves talking late at night right before bed. Not always meaningful, but also the small things like; how was work, did you finish that project, how were the kids today, what are our plans this weekend, etc. ...

Matthew 5:47 (NKJV) 'But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.

5.) Dating. Our date nights mainly consist of a movie rental and late night snack now, but we make the time! We are actually about to go on a double date night with friends to see a Christian comedian (Tim Hawkins, he is awesome!). We also enjoy outings with the family, every year we go look at Christmas lights. And this year being our 10 year anniversary I really want to go to Santa Land (near Tyler, Texas), it's a drive for us and a little pricey but knowing how much I enjoy this (as the rest of the family too) we are going this year! We enjoy our family (hint the four kids!) which also means we enjoy time together as a family. Yes, there should be some nice, quiet, without kids, dates too! But with kids our age, that is hard to manage. Why not make it a family outing? Keep the romance going! What ever that means to you (hint guys: this might not always be dinner), it could be little gifts like; flowers, chocolate, fruit basket, etc. Find out what romance means to each of you (and also just things you like to do) and make it happen!

Proverbs 5:18-19 (NKJV) 'Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breast satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.' 

Part 2 will come soon! 

 

10 years later!